I’m not very nice to myself.
I work in web design for small team at a big company. That carries with it a very complicated set of pros and cons. We have a great deal of flexibility to our work style and agency for what we choose to work on, but the work can often be lacking in diversity or excitement.
I am a self taught web-professional. When I started my current job I was novice in the ways of actual web development, but had been working in web content for a while. Now I would consider myself proficient. The problem is I have no metric by which to measure. Am I proficient? Compared to others in the company, yes. Compared to others out in the world, maybe not.
When I find myself lacking in inspiration, I tend to be much harder on myself. It doesn’t stop with just ‘you aren’t being creative.’ It quickly devolves into ‘you were never good at this. You aren’t really good at anything. Stop wasting yours and everyone else’s time.’
The lizard-brain of negative self-speak has been something I’ve always dealt with—we all do. But it rears it’s head more and more, ironically, as I grow older and more experienced. In some ways, I’m learning what I don’t know and telling myself I’m worthless for my ignorance.
I’m good at things. And I’ve proven that. People depend on me and appreciate the work that I do. Focusing on that is really important. But I’m not very good at mentally documenting the successes.
One of my karmic weights has been that I want to write more and don’t. I often reluctantly excuse myself because can’t think of anything to write. So here’s me talking about not knowing what to write and how I feel bad about that.
And now, I have a success for the day.